Early this morning, around 4:30, I woke up crying. My pillow and face were wet with tears. I had somewhat of a nightmare, but sadly, this nightmare is real. My grandfather is in very bad shape. For the past few months, he has been shipped back and forth between the hospital and a nursing home, and a couple days at home (Sunrise Assisted Living) in between. He has been plagued with an ulcer that required surgery, bouts of pneumonia, bladder infections, bed sores and has fallen several times. His biggest problem however is self-inflicted, or so it seems. My grandfather is suffering from malnutrition and dehydration. He absolutely refuses to eat or drink much of anything. He has refused a feeding tube, twice. He has already been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance for severely low blood pressure and low blood oxygen levels attributed to his lack of nourishment. His doctor has prescribed him 3-4 different appetite stimulants to little avail. The few small bites of food and tiny sips of juice he has daily aren't enough to sustain him. I've brought him Dairy Queen - he always loved vanilla ice cream- but he only had a few spoonfuls. My parents brought him the ultimate "grandpa" meal - meat loaf and mashed potatoes with extra gravy and creamed spinach. He wouldn't even TRY any of it.
Last night, my brother Chris, Jay, and I went to see him. His eyes were glassy and sad. Looking at him made my eyes fill up so I had to look away several times. I didn't want him to see me upset. He was hooked up to an IV and oxygen and sitting in a chair. He kept wincing in pain from the bed sores on his backside. He's not supposed to be in any pain. The doctor wanted him to be as comfortable as possible. My brother and I ask about a cushion for him to sit on and they tell us he can't use it because when he does, he slides off - it's extremely slick for some stupid reason.
We asked him if anything appealed to him, what kind of juice he likes. He said orange. They've been giving him cranberry which he hates. While we were there, a nurse walked in with a small container of chocolate pudding and said, "Here you go Ralph," then promptly took it away! Apparently, it wasn't meant for him. But my God, this frail little man is starving, shouldn't he always have food in front of him?! Pudding is easy enough to get down and he actually likes it! That made my blood boil.
While we were there, Jay made a run to a local convenience store to try and get some things he likes. He picked up his old favorite, Frosted Flakes. He also got orange juice and a soft chocolate chip cookie. We actually got him to eat 2-3 small pieces of cookie and he washed it down with a couple sips of orange juice.
The nurse claims she gives him Frosted Flakes every morning but he won't eat them. She also tries giving him hard-boiled eggs which he specifically mentioned liking last night. She said he won't eat them either. I told her that he must have salt on them, that he LOVES salt. She nodded and smiled but I don't believe her. She told us that the only thing he likes is rice pudding. Well then for heaven sakes, shouldn't he always have it on his tray available for him! His days are numbered! I understand it may be too late, or too little to make any real difference, but my goodness, why is his tray EVER empty??!
These are all the thoughts that ran through my mind as I slept. I woke up crying from them. This is just so hard. My grandpa is still there! He's still talking about the college football games and how our dogs are doing. We all just feel so helpless right now. This is just pure agony. And if it's this bad for us, how must my poor grandpa feel?
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