Ok, I just realized that the singer I'm listening to has a bizarre name. Her last name is her first name backwards. That would make her full name a palindrome. Weird. Ok, moving on.
I had a really down day yesterday. It was like a downpour of sadness washed over me and I couldn't really pinpoint why.
I just felt so sad and low. Everything made me sad. I walked to the Imperial Theater box office to get my mom and I tickets for The Boy From Oz. On the way I passed a poster for 42nd St. (b'way show, not the street). I got all depressed looking at all the actresses, it made me jealous. That always happens when I go to shows. I envy those people up there. They made it! They are living my dream. Sometimes my eyes fill up thinking about it while watching them sing and dance and looking like they're having the time of their lives. It's times like that, that I realize how weak I am. The thought of pursuing that dream frightens me. These thoughts trigger a downward spiral. I think about all the things that I'm afraid of. I feel paralyzed by fear sometimes about everyday things like making a simple phonecall. Alright, this is turning into a therapy session...
I did manage to score tickets to "Oz." I think I got the last ones for a weekend matinee, the show closes on September 12th. We are going this weekend. I can't wait to see how much my mom will enjoy it. I know she will : ) Kristine and I saw it for my birthday and thoroughly enjoyed watching Hugh Jackman prance around and sing!
Diana helped me a lot yesterday online. I'm going to miss her IM's when she starts her fancy job. She suggested I create a list of things I want to accomplish. She said, "make up a list of 25 or 50 things..." I had to laugh at that. I can't imagine I have more than 5; maybe THAT'S my problem! She also suggested I take a class. There are so many out there - painting, yoga, cooking etc... I think I just might. I did some research yesterday and of course some of the things I found brought my insecurities back up to the surface. I considered looking into acting classes, but I'm so scared to take one. My friends and family would be surprised to hear that cause I've done lots of plays and enjoyed every second. I don't know what's wrong with me; why more and more things intimidate me. I've gotta start working on myself, improving myself. I want to accomplish important things.
Thank you to everyone that listened to me yesterday, when I really needed it most. You are the best and can always make me smile and feel better about myself. Thanks for letting me ramble on and on and on..................
"It's the last thing that I need right now, someone to bring me down..."
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